Romantic Comedy Date

The other day my boyfriend and I went to see a romantic comedy. After the movie, he asked me "Is it strange that I identified more with the girl's character than anyone else in the movie?".

He then proceeded to chop down a tree, wrestle a bear and open a really tightly sealed jar. He's super masculine, I swear.

Butterflies and Baby Unicorns

Guy Friend is now officially my boyfriend. Last weekend he sat me down and said "I have a question for you; don't freak out." Then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I quickly weighed the pros and cons of saying yes. If I say no, my blog will live a long and healthy life. If I say yes, I'll be in a relationship with pretty much the most awesome guy on earth. It was a tough decision, but I went with 'yes.'

I really want to blog and make snarky, sarcastic comments about the stupid shit my boyfriend does- sadly my boyfriend is freaking amazing and I feel like I have butterflies and baby unicorns following me around all day.

This blog is going straight to hell.

10 Reasons Why It Works

Guy Friend and I are now dating. It's going incredibly well.

Here are 10 reasons why it works:
1. I'm obsessed with his roommates
2. He's slightly insane
(He plays baseball. The other night we were discussing how baseball players are extremely superstitious and sometimes do strange things. I asked what he did and he explained to me how he used to kick and throw the baseball bats around to "wake them up" if the team wasn't playing well- because sleepy bats are not going to help you win a game)
3. He uses semicolons in text messages
4. He pays more attention to the things I tell him than anyone ever has in my life. I think he may remember more about my likes and dislikes than I do.
5. He makes incredibly awkward comments that I find hilarious and finds my awkward statements equally amusing.
6. He lights my menorah (this is not a euphemism)
7. He lights my menorah (this is a euphemism)
8. He runs with me and then rubs my back as I nearly vomit because I ran too fast
9. Despite being from California, he acts like he's from the east coast (i.e., he's masculine in all the right ways and doesn't act like a pussy)
10. He quotes Glee during sex

She Seems Like Kind of a Freak

A few weeks ago I went out dancing with some friends. I went with a guy friend (who I was kind of into) and a bunch of his friends and met some of my friends there. We all had a ton of fun and at the end of the night I went into Guy Friend's house to hang out with him and his friends for a bit before going home. It turned out that one of the guys lived in my apartment complex and he invited me to come over for some lasagna. While I was starving, I didn't think going over was a good idea for a number of reasons. For one, I didn't want to give Guy Friend the wrong idea in case he was into me. Also, this guy seemed to like me and I wasn't sure going to his house at 3am was the smartest move if I didn't want to get more than lasagna. I asked for a rain check and headed home. By the time I got home, however, my desire for Italian food far outweighed my common sense and I decided to head over. When I got there he randomly mentioned that he had been texting with Guy Friend on his drive home, but wouldn't tell me what they were talking about. Clearly the texting was about me- I know this because the world revolves around me (and because I could tell by the look on Lasagna Guy's face and the fact that he refused to tell me what they were talking about). Lasagna Guy has the same phone as me, so I know how to use it. A few minutes later I inconspicuously pick the phone up and pretend to be fiddling with it. Obviously, what I'm actually doing it reading the text exchange. I'm REALLY not a fan of invading people's privacy and I know what I did was lame, but I had to know what they said. I will now share with you what I expected the conversation to say and what it actually said.

What I expected:
Lasagna Guy: So what's up with you and R.? She seems super neat.
Guy Friend: Oh, R, is just dandy. I think she's keen. I don't really know what's going with us.
Lasagna Guy: Alright, mind if I ask her out?

Reality:
Lasagna Guy: Maybe we should have run a train.
Guy Friend: Haha, maybe.
Lasagna guy: She seems like kind of a freak.

Awesome. Well, that is what I get for being a snoop.

Blog that Bitch

So we've already covered that I wash my hair with rainbows and should be sponsored by Plush. Well, according to my coworker, I apparently smell amazing as well.

(*Disclaimer: I do not smell amazing)

-Text conversation with coworker-

Coworker: Someone on train smells like yummy R.
Me: What????
Coworker: Your perfume. Someone got on BART and they smelled like you.
Me: I do not wear perfume ever. No body spray. Soap on special occasions...
Coworker: Well Tuesdays and Fridays must be special cause you smell good! Haha. I would know it anywhere. Is this bordering on creepy?
Me: No.
Coworker: Whew! Blog that bitch!

Well, ok...

I Run to You

I'm a relatively sane person a good portion of the time. I am, however, prone to bouts of complete insanity. This descent from normal R. to bat-shit crazy R. can occur quite rapidly and without warning. This generally occurs in reference to the idea of marriage. Take today, for example...

I'm out running and "I Run to You" (Lady Antebellum song) comes on my IPod. At first, I think to myself "What an appropriate song to run to" . Half a millisecond later I think to myself "Maybe I'll meet a runner and we'll get married and at our wedding we'll have this great photo montage of us running set to this song" .

How could I possibly still be single with brilliant ideas like this?!

I'm a Runner

For most of my life I didn't run. I got out of running the track during gym class in high school because a) I thought running was boring and b) I couldn't breathe and nearly vomited up my own lung when I did try to run. Fast forward 10 years...I have a friend who loves to run and convinces me to give it a try. I do try- and one week later run my first 10k. One week after that I run another 10k. Then I get busy and running and I end our love affair. Fast forward one more year to present day...the love affair is back on and stronger than ever. I mean really hot and heavy. Fast runs, slow runs, intervals...THIS IS TRUE PASSION!! And this time the committment is there! I've been at it for about a month now and it's going great. I plan to run my first half marathon in SF in Febuary, then hopefully train for a full.

Yoga and Sensory Deprivation

I met a guy a few months ago while out West Coast Swing dancing who clearly was interested in me but just recently pulled the trigger and asked me out. The following is a portion of the conversation we had about what to do on our date...

Me: Do you like sushi?
WCS Guy: Yes, love it. I was also thinking of inviting you to come to my yoga class with me. (*side note- I think men who do yoga are pussies. I have many guy friends who do yoga, so I'm sure I'm going to get in trouble for saying that)
Me: I don't like yoga.
WCS Guy: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. I once attempted yoga on a beach in Mexico at sunset with a hot Argentinian yoga instructor. I hated it. If I hated it then chances are yoga is not my thing.
WCS Guy: Well ok then. Well, um, how about after dinner we go to this place that has sensory deprivation tanks?
Me: Oh dear...

Seriously? He might as well have just asked me to Fed-Ex him my box.

R. Goes to a Singles' Event

A few weeks ago I was hanging out with some guys from work and they invited me to join them at a Jewish singles' event the following night. I immediately called a single girlfriend of mine and invited her. Game on.

The following day I consulted with approximately 10 people about which dress I should wear. I primped every part of my body that could be primped, and possibly a few parts that couldn't be but somehow now were. I was ready.

At 5:30, my friend and I went out to dinner. I had a glass of wine.

At 7:00, we arrived at my coworkers' house and I had a beer.

At 8:00, we got on the train to head into the city. While on the train I shared (*read: I drank two-thirds of) a large bottle of rum and coke with my friends and some random guy we met on the train who told me he was in love with me and repeatedly referred to me as "Freckles."

At 8:45 we grabbed a cab to travel the approximately 3 blocks from the train station to the club. Who knew we were so close?

By 9:00 we were in the door, drink tickets in hand. (For $10 you were given entrance to the club and handed a multitude of drink tickets.)

By 9:05 I had my first Jack and Coke, the drink of champions (*read: alcoholics), in my hand. I believe all the drink tickets were used up by 10.

(Side note- the "Jewish singles' event" turned out to just be a dance club filled with Jews. It could, however, have been a dance club filled with penguins for all I would have noticed by this point in the night)

I ended up getting so drunk that I completely forgot to find a husband. I spent the night just hanging out with my friends (*read- more than likely just inappropriately hitting on my coworker), dancing, losing my purse, and finding my purse.

Despite losing focus of my goal (and my purse), I had a fantastic time.

Did You Just Say 'FedEx Me Your Box'?

Today I had the following conversation online with a guy who went to my elementary school. We ran into each other a couple of years ago at a reunion and became friends on Facebook:

Charles: Thank god for redheads.
Charles: How is life?
Me: Good, you?
Charles: all good. still childless..
Me: Well, that's good.
Charles: what do you think about a redheaded puerto rican baby girl?
Me: Sounds like a good looking child.
Charles: I say we do it.
Me: sure
Charles: ok. Fedex me your box and we'll make it happen.
Me: Did you just say 'fedex me your box'?????
Charles: LMAO. funny shit huh?
Me: you are one classy guy
Charles: I try really hard. I just came up with that one too. I thought it was pretty good.
Me: I can't believe you have ever gotten laid.
Charles: I can't believe you don't have five of my kids.
Charles: So- do you prefer asian porn or latin porn?
Charles: Ok, serious question.
Me: Yes?
Charles: Did your boobs get bigger? They look fucking huge in pictures!!

I will be spending the rest of the evening rethining my Facebook friend list...

My Dad Hit Our Goat With The Car

A couple of weeks ago I met a guy at a party. Today we went out on our first date. The date went very well. We were comfortable together and the conversation came easily. This guy is quite possibly the most sincere, nicest guy I have ever gone on a date with. Being in his company was completely effortless. He seems intelligent and sweet and funny. He tells good stories (like the time his dad hit his goat with the car and how he once owned gay rabbits) and is a good kisser and is incredibly respectful. Unfortunately he didn't say or do anything stupid for me to blog about and he has no plans to move to another country, so he's not providing me with the best blog material at the moment. The goat thing was pretty good though...

The Story of CMA and SCMA

The Tech Guy situation has prompted me to think about the awesomely awkward collision of work and my love life over the last few years. While considering this, I realized that nearly every year since I became a school psychologist I have received completely unwelcome romantic advanced from men I worked with. These advances range from awkward-but-not-horrific to inappropriate and rather upsetting.

My internship year, my supervisor's husband (who was also a school psychologist) tried to sleep with me. One evening I received an email from him stating: "[Wife/supervisor's name] is out of town for the weekend. Do you want to come over after I put the girls to bed?" Just to fill you in- by 'girls' he meant his twin newborn daughters. Lovely.

Another year, a teacher I worked with (who also happened to be the second creepiest man alive- see next story for creepiest man alive) asked me out...over and over and over again. I believe one conversation went something like this (he was apparently a fan of alliteration):

Second Creepiest Man Alive: Hey Bold B., do you want to do something this evening?
Me: I can't.
SCMA: Come on Beautiful B., let's go out.
Me: I'm busy.
SCMA: Bodacious B., we'll have fun.
Me: I'm not feeling well. I really can't.
SCMA: Yeah, but, let's do something. You'll have a good time.
Me: I'm getting a restraining order.

Ok, I may not have said that last part, but I really wanted to.

Last year, a guy (Creepiest Man Alive) who worked at one of my schools walked into my office, picked up my cell phone, called himself with it, and walked out. After work that day he called me and asked me out (he now had my number after calling himself from my phone). This was bold and I was actually somewhat intrigued at this point. After the phone call I was no longer intrigued. I had not spoken to him much at work and didn't know much about him, least of all the fact that he was clinically insane. I wish I could recall the conversation we had in more detail- I think I may have blocked it out of my mind due to its incredibly traumatic nature- all I can remember is that nothing he said made much sense. I'm pretty sure I asked him at least 4 times during the 20 minute talk if he was high. I never answered his calls again (and trust me, there were many) and avoided him as best I could at work. I'm pretty sure he was eventually fired after one too many explosions with other staff.

I am only a week into the new school year and already I have Tech Guy hot on my heels. Tech Guy's interest may not be welcome, but he's clearly a prince among creeptastic men.

Tech Guy Email

Aaaaaand my life just continues to get more and more awkward. I received the following email today (on the dating website) from the tech guy at work:

No break computer!!

Ok, I guess that was uncalled for since you haven't broken anything else. . .yet. :-P

Make it stop. Please make it stop.

How's OKCupid Working Out For You?

When I first moved to the Bay Area 3 years ago, I did a lot of internet dating. I didn't know many people in the area and it was a great way to meet new people, experience new things, and learn about the area. This past year I have done very little internet dating (most of the men I have dated recently have been introduced to me through friends, a MUCH preferred method) although I'm still open to it and maintain an online profile on a couple of free sites. In my time on these sites, I have come across a few friends and ex-boyfriends from HS. This was not concerning to me. I'm not embarrassed to be online dating and I think my profile is pretty good, so I don't mind people seeing it/knowing about it. The other day, however, I had an interaction that was rather uncomfortable...

It was the start of the new school year and my first week back at work. I was having some problems with my work laptop. I chased down (literally) the tech support guy and begged him to help me- trying to work the cute/helpless angle for faster service. It worked. He dropped what he was doing to come help me. Awesome. While working on my computer, he turns to me and says "So, how's OKCupid working out for you." My mouth dropped open instantly and I managed to get out some amazingly articulate statement to the effect of "Uhhh, um, uhh, WHAT?" I racked my brain. Had I checked my dating website email from that laptop? I didn't think so. Was my internet usage being monitored?? He then informs me that he, too, had a profile on that website and that my profile frequently popped up as a suggestion for him. He assumed I had noticed that he had repeatedly checked out my profile (the website shows you who has looked at you). I had not noticed, and informed him of this. He continued to work on my computer and sortof flirt with me for the next hour. This may have been one of the most awkward hours of my life. If I have laptop issues again I'll just a buy a new one...

I Hear You Might Not Want Her

I am 2 days into the new school year and already fully prepared to drown myself in the bathtub. I serve 3 elementary schools. Last year, I made my own schedule. I decided what school I would go to on what day of the week. It worked well for me and for the schools. This year I was given a schedule which I knew did not work for any of the sites I serve. (The schedule doesn't work for me either, but I digress.) I tried to explain this to my boss to no avail. The following emails reflect what I'm dealing with-

From my boss:

R.-
Please let me handle this. Your days are assigned, not chosen, so there is really nothing you can do regading the situation. Thanks. Have a great day with the kids.

From the principal of one elementary school to the principal of another elementary school. I was cc'ed:

Hi David,
I am hoping you can help me. I have R. scheduled on Monday and Thursday. We traded from our regular Wednesday schedule without checking our SST meeting schedule. We have SST meetings Wednesday mornings. Could we talk about trading if it would work with you. I hear you might not want her on Wednesdays.

I feel like a fucking baseball card!

This Isn't a Good Time For Me

So you remember Kevin from my second ever blog post? I wrote this about him:

Kevin constantly would start sentences and then decide not to tell me what he was thinking of saying. Kevin also often sent me emails informing me that he had written me an email but decided not to send it.

Today, the following happened:

Kevin called me and right after saying "Hello," said "This isn't a good time for me, can I call you back?".

Later he called and we talked. Then he called me back 2 minutes after we got off the phone and said "I want to tell you something. Wait, nevermind. What I was going to say is more appropriate for a text." He then texted me the word "theoretical." Then nothing. I called him 3 times in the next 5 minutes in order to inquire what the hell was happening in his head- no answer.

To his credit, once I finally got an explanation, it made sense.

That just happened

Tonight I went on a pretty good first date with a guy.

He was tall, had an amazing body (his arms made me want to throw MYSELF up against a wall!), and was very handsome. He was smart and driven and well traveled and masculine. He had great manners. He was polite and paid for dinner and asked if he could see me again soon. He's outdoorsy and excited about having a family and seems to be close with his own family. When he got home he sent me a really nice text ("Loved the sarcasm! Sarcasm = sense of humor + personality + intelligence"). As we proceeded to text, I learned more about him. He prefers one-on-one or small groups to crowds; he "has a big ego, although he may have met his match" (HA!); he loves to cuddle (and warned me that I better not blog about that!); he was nervous while we were out on our date; he's looking forward to finishing his degree in civil engineering; he's not the jealous type; and- oh yeah- he may be moving to Guam soon for work.

GUAM!

FML. That just happened.

Just the right amount of English

While I was in Mexico last week, I had the following conversation:

Eduardo: My English is not so good. You are...very attractive.
Me: Oh, thank you. Your English is juuuust fine.

That's all the English he needed.

He was just about to say that

The other day, a guy I'm dating posted the following blog entry about me:

Title: I was just about to say that

The other day I picked up my date from her house. On the way to the restaurant she informed me, “I look lovely this evening.”

Oops.

*And she did look lovely. Despite my negligence in mentioning this right away, at dinner when I was sitting across from her I renoticed how nice she was looking in her dress and was sure to point it out in a sincere way. I think I mostly recovered.

Tick, tick, tick

This past weekend, a friend and I went to Ukiah for a couple of days to visit some friends of his who own a vineyard. At one point during the weekend, we were sitting outside with his friends' family. As I sat playing with the couple's two small children, he said those three little words I hate so much: "TICK, TICK, TICK." I envisioned an anvil falling on his head. I thought about throwing a clock at him and seeing the minute hand break through and lodge into his eye socket. I fantasized about a mountain lion running out and disemboweling him. I was not pleased.

He must be teaming up with Nana.

A conversation with Nana

This past mother's day, I called my grandmother. The last time we had spoken was a few months earlier, at which time I was not dating anyone. This is how our conversation went:

Me: Hi, Nana! How are you? I'm just calling to wish you a happy mother's day!
Nana:Oh, it's so nice to hear from you honey! Are you married?
Me: No.
Nana: Are you engaged?
Me: No.
Nana: Well are you dating anyone seriously??
Me: Nope.
Nana: (deep sigh) At this rate I'm NEVER going to be a great grandmother!
Me: Well, have a great day, Nana. Talk to you soon.

Buns of Steal

I have recently gone on a few dates with a guy who is really nice, but who I am just not into. Below are a few texts I have gotten from him (typed verbatim, including his spelling) that may indicate why...

6.03.10: "All year no casual Fridays for me boo!! My ties do kick ass though so it's all good"

6.07.10: "I'm at the store exchanging the charging block for my mom's laptop that should be under warranty..I'm the geeksquad in the house, don't get me started, I could not be moving out any sooner"

6.07.10: "Time to lift and get those buns of steal"

6.08.10: "Had an ok day lifting"

6.09.10: "Im pretty stoked with my shirt tie combo today"

6.09.10: "Just got home and bout to lift"

6.09.10: "Produce is a very important topic for me"

6.10.10: "A night at the rocksberry...your thoughts?"

6.11.10: "I can't say cocktail without smiling"

6.11.10: "I'm thinking about wearing the white pants I got at Express. I've really been wanting to wear them" (To which I replied: "You cannot wear white pants unless you are Miami Vice or are getting married on the beach." He did not wear the white pants.)

6.13.10: "It's awesome! Hotter than balls but fun work"

6.14.10: "Secretary at my middle school sent a staff email about a Wennie Roast tomorrow for lunch...i promised after 30 no more saying wennie"

I think 3 dates may be enough...

Cheese Out

I received another unexpected card from a student today.

Yesterday, a 5th grader who I had assessed earlier in the year came into the main office. I gave him a hug and congratulated him on his impending graduation (he will be moving onto middle school next year). There was another student in the office who I didn't know. Someone pointed out to me that the other student was also graduating. I congratulated and hugged her as well. She didn't know me and looked slightly terrified- I can be a bit overwhelming!

Today I got the card in my school mailbox. It said:

"Dear R.,
You're a really nice person and it was really nice meeting you!
-Student"

I could see that she had written and then erased another message. I could still read what had been written. The note originally read:

"You have really nice teeth. Stay strong and thank you for hugging me today. Cheese out!"

Definitely a keeper.

Likes and Dislikes

Things that make me want to kick a puppy or otherwise turn me off:
- one-ply toilet paper
- traffic
- closed mindedness
- bad communicators
- frequent use of "lol"
- use of "kewl" ever
- hypocrisy
- smokers
- being called hun or babe (although honey and baby don't bother me)
- the missing 'r' button on my laptop
- constantly cleaning cat hair off of every surface in my apartment
- constantly having a layer of cat hair on every item of clothing I own
- nonstop negativity
- nonstop positivity
- asking me out on a first date via text
- going dutch on the first few dates
- too much tongue
- too little tongue (although this is preferable to the alternative)
- Prop 8
- not knowing the difference between your and you're, two, to and too, and their, there and they're
- long hair on men
- overly hairy men
- men who shave their entire bodies (unless they are athletes)
- sour cream
- olives
- men who act like idiots and then say they hate drama- if you don't want drama stop being a complete moron/asshole
- people already in the hot tub when I get there
- people who come into the hot tub when I'm already in it
- getting sunburned
- when my inhaler is clogged
- ordering Indian food medium spicy and getting it mild
- ordering Indian food medium spicy and getting it hot
- file cabinets that fall on me
- people who take the bible literally and don't think for themselves
- people who have a fit if you write 'god' instead of 'God'
- snoring
- having to wear a mask and be hooked up to a breathing machine when I sleep
- uvulopalatopharangynoplasty
- flakey people
- Dane Cook as an actor
- clocks that tick loud enough that I can hear them ticking
- biological clocks
- my grandmother profanely discussing sex
- getting my oil changed
- rolling my jeep
- temperatures below 64 degrees or above 86 degrees

Things that I heart:
- the secretary at the elementary school where I work
- parents and teachers who promptly complete the paperwork I ask them to fill out on their children/students
- men who open my car door
- happy hour
- cupcakes
- honesty
- stick figure drawings
- sporks
- mindfulness
- the cold side of the pillow
- good morning/good night texts
- when the weather outside is weather
- when you shut your mouth when you're talking to me
- when you get the reference
- games like Taboo, Scattegories, Texas Hold'em, and Just the Tip
- motorcycles
- New York
- San Diego
- outdoorsy people
- karaoke when not taken seriously
- shopping with Laura
- Gray and Little Bubba
- hiking
- someecards.com
- getting a massage
- rollercoasters
- Dane Cook as a comedian
- Mitch Hedberg
- Business Time/Flight of the Conchords
- psychological thrillers
- running
- daylight saving time
- dancing
- camping
- country concerts
- traveling
- tailgating
- sour candy
- sarcasm
- Christmas morning at Amber's house
- praise for a job well done or for my effort
- affection
- Penney's blog
- postcards from friends who go on vacation
- when my dad comes to visit
- the sun
- the ocean
- use of the terms "I heart that," "fml," "obvi," "that's what she said," and "your mom"
- Sandy's sister
- my blackberry
- coming to work and finding tons of food in the teacher's lounge
- 2-3 year olds
- having summers off

What I do when I'm doing what I do

No one ever seems to understand what I do for work. I have to re-explain it to my parents a minimum of 3 times per year. The other day, one of my best friends (who I talk to on a daily basis) told me she always thought I was a teacher. When I meet new people and tell them I'm a psychologist for a school district, they always respond with "oh, so you're a counselor." No, I am not a counselor. Counselors change kids' classes and advise kids about college/plans for the future. Also, their degree takes half as much time as a mine did.

The vast majority of my time is spent assessing kids to determine eligibility for special education. My assessments include parent, teacher, and child interviews, direct testing (e.g., IQ testing, testing of processing skills such as memory, language, and attention, and mental health evaluation) and observations. When my assessment is complete I write a psycho-educational evaluation report. I diagnose learning disabilities, ADHD, autism spectrum disorders, emotional disturbances, and a number of other disabilities. Once diagnosed, I work with a team to address the social and academic ramifications of these disabilities in an effort to create a plan that will help support these students and aid them in experiencing success. Currently I am serving 3 elementary schools, although I have also done preschool and high school in the past. I have not done middle school. Middle school kids are jerks.

Other job functions I have: consulting with parents, teachers and other school staff on various issues; attending meetings (student success team meetings, individual education plan meetings, mental health committee meetings, staff meetings, etc.); counseling (I know I just said I'm not a counselor, but I do provide some counseling); corresponding with outside agencies; attending trainings; providing trainings; supervising school psych interns; and trying to make sure everything anyone ever does is both legal and ethical.

I need a nap just thinking about this...

Why I do what I do

It's the last week of school right now and I have a zillion psycho-educational reports to write for the zillion meetings I have this week. As I sat in my office calmly losing my mind and wondering if anything I was doing would actually have a positive impact on anyone...anyone at all...ever...a 2nd grade student I had assessed earlier in the year walks in with something in her hand. What she gives me is a small, hand-painted card filled with some of the loveliest words I have ever seen. The card read:

Dear R.,
Thank you for helping me. You help me remember math better and help keep me focused. You are always nice to everyone at school especially me! You are very pretty and fantastic.

Love,
(Student)

When I'm done weeping I think I'll be able to crank the rest of those reports out now...

I carried a watermelon

So I've talked a bit about some of the quirky and/or idiotic things that guys I've dated have said and done. Now I'll focus the spotlight on myself.

One evening, during my freshman year in college, I was sitting in my dorm's lounge with my best friend Erin. An attractive fraternity guy came in and handed us a flier for a party. There was a line on the flier that said "Parties that Kick Ass." Not wanting to waste a perfect opportunity to impress a hot guy with my wit, I yelled after him as he walked out the door "You kick ass!". I have great social skills, what can I say? From that point on, this became known to the girls in my dorms as my "I carried a watermelon" moment. (Please rent Dirty Dancing if you do not get the reference)

A few months ago I went out with Peter. This was the best first date of my life. Immediately after returning home from the date with Peter, I did what all savvy (and slightly off-their-rocker) women do these days- I cyberstalked the shit out of this guy. And what did I find? I found Peter's wedding website. Now I knew he was divorced, so this was not an uncovered secret. It was just a little awkward for me to be looking at my future husband's first wedding. The bride looked just lovely and the ceremony was held outdoors in a stunning location. How could our wedding ever compare? I was quite concerned. I shared the wedding website with 20 of my closest friends, coworkers, and the custodian at my office. A few days later we arranged to go on our second date. He suggested brunch and I suggested a walk along the water afterward. His response to my suggestion: "A stroll along the water afterward sounds lovely." "Stroll"? "Lovely"? He wasn't British, so I assumed he must be gay. I consulted the very gayest of all my gay friends, Rik, and he flamed (no pun intended) my fears. We went on our brunch/stroll date and I did not hear from him again. Yup, definitely gay.

Tim's rap

So people who know Tim have been asking about Tim's rap. Amazingly enough I still have it after all these years.

Here it is (reproduced exactly as he wrote it):

R., my number one honey
worth more than money
fly, smart AND funny
sunny and bright all day and all night
she's more than just ight
izat right? thas right
Strawberry hair beautiful straight OR curly
I've tried the rest & she's the best damn girly
in Sactown, probly even cali
shes the cute redhead cheerleadin @ the rallies
for JFK, she says I'm gay
for wearing gold bracelets but thats okay
I still lover to peices
she sweeter than Reeses
24-7 My love never ceases
Jesus, she teases/ me constantly
Fate must've brought her to me from NYC
Destiny- could it be? I see No doubt
She's the best friend Plus I could Not
do with out
R., I love you!

Ass-Ma

Now that we've covered the majors, let's talk about some minors...

There was the guy I met on the internet (I forget his name) who, on our first date, seemed quite nice and normal until I excused myself to use the restroom and he promptly began making pee noises ("pshhhhhhh"). This was our first and last date.

Tristan stuck his finger down my throat to help me vomit when I drank too much.

Grant left me outside his apartment to die when I drank too much and collapsed outside on the ground. (I promise I'm not an alcoholic- drinking stories just seem to make good stories).

Michael (not first kiss or fiance Michael, this is a different Michael) liked to frequently tell me his fantasy was to have sex with me on a Bowflex.

John asked me "Do you wash your hair with rainbows?" because he thought my hair smelled really good. This was not a pick-up line, he was serious.

Dave told me I should be sponsored by Plush because my skin was so soft. Also not a pick-up line. A little more on Dave: Dave shaved his entire body and collected pez dispensers. He had a giant pez bunny that he freaked out if I touched and had pez dispensers lining his bedroom walls. For a time, I really liked this guy. There's no accounting for taste.

Charles asked me if I used an inhaler cause I had "ass-ma." He also told me that "he was no weatherman", but I "would be getting more than a few inches tonight." Charles also asked me if my daddy was a chicken farmer, cause I "sure knew how to raise some cock." These WERE pick-up lines. They worked.

Kevin constantly would start sentences and then decide not to tell me what he was thinking of saying. Kevin also often sent me emails informing me that he had written me an email but decided not to send it.

I would also like to include a list of some of the possessions I have acquired from the men I have dated. Some of these things are gifts and some were just left with me.
-Sparkly pink bowling ball with my name on it (gift)
-Computer (gift)
-Vacuum (left)
-A billion sweatshirts (left) -->I often gift these to my father
-Blow-up mattress (left)
-Taboo (traded for Scattegories)
-Big red salad bowl filled with Easter candy (gift)

Michael and Madalyn

So I have decided to start a blog, clearly. I will be writing about the occurrences at the elementary school where I work, the bits of wisdom imparted on me by my quirky yet brilliant friends and blunt family...and, most often, I will probably be writing about my roller-coaster of a love life. That said, I will start by telling you about the "major players" in my life so far...

At age 13, Michael J was my first kiss. We've kept in touch off and on over the years and I still think I may marry him one day.

At age 15, Tim was my first love. Tim lived next door to me. Tim wrote a rap about me. What's not to love.

At age 19, I lost my virginity to Neil . Neil lived across the hall from me in the dorms (apparently I have a thing for neighbors). When I first met Neil I thought he was gorgeous, but likely gay. I guess he proved me wrong.

At age 21, I met Michael M. Michael and I were soon engaged. We bought a condo together, named the children we were going to have (Michael and Madalyn), and had sex about 20 times in 5 years. I was with Michael until I was 25. Michael changed my life for the better in immeasurable ways. Being with Michael was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Breaking up with Michael was the second best thing that has ever happened to me. I will always love him, although we were never right for each other.

At age 25, I met Jeremiah. Jeremiah was my rebound relationship. Jeremiah and I had sex 20 times in 5 days. Jeremiah was a great guy and he deserves a very honorable mention.

At age 27, I began dating Mackenan. Mackenan was another great guy who wasn't right for me. He also deserves an honorable mention. I LOVED Mack's family. They were smart and funny and kind and supportive and incredibly down to earth. They get the wish-you-were-my-future-inlaws award.