Tick Tick Tick- Redux

Earlier today I was at a BBQ. At one point I was talking with a few women about babies and, my all time favorite topic, biological clocks. One of the women had twin 6-month-old boys and was discussing how she wanted to have another child soon, but her husband wanted to wait several years. She was 31 and felt her clock was ticking so she wanted to get going sooner rather than later. I shared my concerns about my own ticking time bomb. One of the other women (also 31), who apparently pegged me for being in my mid 20's, then said to me: "Don't worry. I have some friends who are like THIRTY and don't even have a BOYFRIEND, so you're fine." As I simultaneously breathed fire and gave her the cold stare of death, I replied: "Yeah. I'm 30. And I don't have a boyfriend." She giggled and, somehow thinking this would make it better, let me know that when she and her husband went to the doctor to discuss family planning the doctor told her that a woman didn't need to worry about fertility problems and other issues until she was 35. So I have 5 more good years.

Please. Oh please. Just stop talking before I punch you in your fallopian tube.

I'm a Good Listener

Earlier tonight I went on a first date with a guy. After previously proclaiming that one of his talents was being a good listener and not talking all about himself on dates, he proceeded to talk all about himself for the majority of the evening. Even better, at least 75% of what he shared was information about exes and bad dates that he had been on. He told me about his ex-fiance who he had been with for 5 years who, 2 months before the wedding, he decided he was not ready to marry and so instead of calling off the wedding he "became an alcoholic" and began staying out all night until she finally called it off. He told me about the girl who offered other guys her phone number while they were on a date. He told me about the girl who asked to have sex with him in her car after their first date- shortly before she informed him that she had herpes. He told me about the girl who asked to give him a blowjob after their first date- shortly before her parents arrived. Although riveted by the conversation, I quickly felt this may not be the best match for me. So I said good night and went home- shortly after having sex with him in my car.

Just kidding.

You Should Marry Him

The other night I was out with a friend and I saw a guy I thought was attractive. This is the conversation that followed...

Me: He's pretty cute, but I don't like the long hair. Do you think it would be rude if I asked him to cut it for me?
Friend: No. Just ask him to do it on the second date. He is really cute. I think you should marry him.
Me: Don't say things to me like "You should marry him." You're feeding the frenzy.
Friend: Ok. I will rephrase it...I think you should date him a reasonable amount of time and then get engaged.
Me: Thanks, that's better.

Crazy doesn't grow in a vacuum my friends.