The Ill Fated Set Up

A couple of months ago I was lamenting my lack of a love life to a friend and her husband (shocking that I would be complaining about such a thing, I know) and my friend's husband informed me that he worked with someone who he thought would be fantastic for me and had just been waiting for the right time to introduce him to me.  Time went by and I heard nothing further on the topic.  This past weekend, I was hanging out again with my friend and her husband and I inquired about this lovely fellow I was to be set up with.  And what did I find out, you ask?

"Sorry, R...it turns out the guy I wanted to set you up with is currently dating a man."

FML.  That just happened.

I Like Unicorns

About a month ago I went on a date with a guy who brought me a present.

I had recently broken up with my boyfriend, the engineer, and had decided to give good old internet dating another try. I was feeling a bit down after my breakup and was approaching dating as more of a 'something-to-do' than a 'way-to-get-a-ring.' A guy sent me an email and I responded with one long run-on sentence about my cats, their fleas and my devastation over said fleas. (I was really trying to impress, clearly.) Apparently he was quite amused by my candor and responded by telling me that discussing my fleas was far more interesting than the usual "This is what I do for work, this is what I like to drink, I like unicorns." I let him know I LOVED unicorns. So, of course, he asked me out.

We met at a very nice, fairly expensive restaurant and, immediately after being seated, he quickly informed me that he had something for me. Was it flowers? Chocolates? Not quite. It was a My Little Pony unicorn. He slapped it right down on our nice tablecloth in all it's magical glory. It was fabulous, this unicorn. It even came with its own comb. In preparation for our date, he informed me, he had gone to 3 different toy stores looking for this magnificent bounty.

It was a good date, but despite the unicorn there wasn't much magic. Too bad, I like a man who doesn't show up for a date empty-handed.

Reflecting on the past

This morning I was recalling the time that I spent 3 months dating a homeless meth addict who was deathly allergic to my cats. This actually happened. For 3 months. I really have nowhere to go with this story, just reflecting on what my 20's looked like.

It Just Got Sexy

For the last month I have been dating an electrical engineer. While he really can be quite charming, sometimes I'm a little caught off guard by the things he says. Here are a few examples:

"It just got sexy."
(After I lit candles)

"Pi"
(When asked if he had a lucky/favorite number)

"Are you ready, gorgeous, to kneel down in front of me?"
(After offering me a back massage)

"I missed you quite a bit actually. Roughly as much as Justin Bieber will miss his girl voice in a year or two."
(When asked if he missed me while I was in Italy for 2 weeks)

"Don't tease me about the market - a man just needs to do some local, organic, free-trade, free-range, vegan, carbon-negative nectarine shopping once in a while."
(After being gently mocked for loving the farmer's market)

Ok,so really I'm not at all caught off guard because I'm always desperately waiting (with a pen somewhere nearby) for men to drop these beauties so I can share them with you. More to come I'm sure.

How to Paddle

I went white water rafting today. While rafting, I had the following exchange with our guide:

Me: So is it more effective to skim the top of the water with the paddle or put it completely into the water?
Guide: You know that game guys sometimes like to play called 'Just the Tip'?
Me: I love that game.
Guide: Well when you're rafting you don't want to play that game. You want to put it ALL. THE WAY. IN.
Me: I love you.

For the rest of the day every time I paddled I felt slightly to moderately horny.

Tick Tick Tick- Redux

Earlier today I was at a BBQ. At one point I was talking with a few women about babies and, my all time favorite topic, biological clocks. One of the women had twin 6-month-old boys and was discussing how she wanted to have another child soon, but her husband wanted to wait several years. She was 31 and felt her clock was ticking so she wanted to get going sooner rather than later. I shared my concerns about my own ticking time bomb. One of the other women (also 31), who apparently pegged me for being in my mid 20's, then said to me: "Don't worry. I have some friends who are like THIRTY and don't even have a BOYFRIEND, so you're fine." As I simultaneously breathed fire and gave her the cold stare of death, I replied: "Yeah. I'm 30. And I don't have a boyfriend." She giggled and, somehow thinking this would make it better, let me know that when she and her husband went to the doctor to discuss family planning the doctor told her that a woman didn't need to worry about fertility problems and other issues until she was 35. So I have 5 more good years.

Please. Oh please. Just stop talking before I punch you in your fallopian tube.

I'm a Good Listener

Earlier tonight I went on a first date with a guy. After previously proclaiming that one of his talents was being a good listener and not talking all about himself on dates, he proceeded to talk all about himself for the majority of the evening. Even better, at least 75% of what he shared was information about exes and bad dates that he had been on. He told me about his ex-fiance who he had been with for 5 years who, 2 months before the wedding, he decided he was not ready to marry and so instead of calling off the wedding he "became an alcoholic" and began staying out all night until she finally called it off. He told me about the girl who offered other guys her phone number while they were on a date. He told me about the girl who asked to have sex with him in her car after their first date- shortly before she informed him that she had herpes. He told me about the girl who asked to give him a blowjob after their first date- shortly before her parents arrived. Although riveted by the conversation, I quickly felt this may not be the best match for me. So I said good night and went home- shortly after having sex with him in my car.

Just kidding.