R. Goes to a Singles' Event

A few weeks ago I was hanging out with some guys from work and they invited me to join them at a Jewish singles' event the following night. I immediately called a single girlfriend of mine and invited her. Game on.

The following day I consulted with approximately 10 people about which dress I should wear. I primped every part of my body that could be primped, and possibly a few parts that couldn't be but somehow now were. I was ready.

At 5:30, my friend and I went out to dinner. I had a glass of wine.

At 7:00, we arrived at my coworkers' house and I had a beer.

At 8:00, we got on the train to head into the city. While on the train I shared (*read: I drank two-thirds of) a large bottle of rum and coke with my friends and some random guy we met on the train who told me he was in love with me and repeatedly referred to me as "Freckles."

At 8:45 we grabbed a cab to travel the approximately 3 blocks from the train station to the club. Who knew we were so close?

By 9:00 we were in the door, drink tickets in hand. (For $10 you were given entrance to the club and handed a multitude of drink tickets.)

By 9:05 I had my first Jack and Coke, the drink of champions (*read: alcoholics), in my hand. I believe all the drink tickets were used up by 10.

(Side note- the "Jewish singles' event" turned out to just be a dance club filled with Jews. It could, however, have been a dance club filled with penguins for all I would have noticed by this point in the night)

I ended up getting so drunk that I completely forgot to find a husband. I spent the night just hanging out with my friends (*read- more than likely just inappropriately hitting on my coworker), dancing, losing my purse, and finding my purse.

Despite losing focus of my goal (and my purse), I had a fantastic time.

Did You Just Say 'FedEx Me Your Box'?

Today I had the following conversation online with a guy who went to my elementary school. We ran into each other a couple of years ago at a reunion and became friends on Facebook:

Charles: Thank god for redheads.
Charles: How is life?
Me: Good, you?
Charles: all good. still childless..
Me: Well, that's good.
Charles: what do you think about a redheaded puerto rican baby girl?
Me: Sounds like a good looking child.
Charles: I say we do it.
Me: sure
Charles: ok. Fedex me your box and we'll make it happen.
Me: Did you just say 'fedex me your box'?????
Charles: LMAO. funny shit huh?
Me: you are one classy guy
Charles: I try really hard. I just came up with that one too. I thought it was pretty good.
Me: I can't believe you have ever gotten laid.
Charles: I can't believe you don't have five of my kids.
Charles: So- do you prefer asian porn or latin porn?
Charles: Ok, serious question.
Me: Yes?
Charles: Did your boobs get bigger? They look fucking huge in pictures!!

I will be spending the rest of the evening rethining my Facebook friend list...

My Dad Hit Our Goat With The Car

A couple of weeks ago I met a guy at a party. Today we went out on our first date. The date went very well. We were comfortable together and the conversation came easily. This guy is quite possibly the most sincere, nicest guy I have ever gone on a date with. Being in his company was completely effortless. He seems intelligent and sweet and funny. He tells good stories (like the time his dad hit his goat with the car and how he once owned gay rabbits) and is a good kisser and is incredibly respectful. Unfortunately he didn't say or do anything stupid for me to blog about and he has no plans to move to another country, so he's not providing me with the best blog material at the moment. The goat thing was pretty good though...

The Story of CMA and SCMA

The Tech Guy situation has prompted me to think about the awesomely awkward collision of work and my love life over the last few years. While considering this, I realized that nearly every year since I became a school psychologist I have received completely unwelcome romantic advanced from men I worked with. These advances range from awkward-but-not-horrific to inappropriate and rather upsetting.

My internship year, my supervisor's husband (who was also a school psychologist) tried to sleep with me. One evening I received an email from him stating: "[Wife/supervisor's name] is out of town for the weekend. Do you want to come over after I put the girls to bed?" Just to fill you in- by 'girls' he meant his twin newborn daughters. Lovely.

Another year, a teacher I worked with (who also happened to be the second creepiest man alive- see next story for creepiest man alive) asked me out...over and over and over again. I believe one conversation went something like this (he was apparently a fan of alliteration):

Second Creepiest Man Alive: Hey Bold B., do you want to do something this evening?
Me: I can't.
SCMA: Come on Beautiful B., let's go out.
Me: I'm busy.
SCMA: Bodacious B., we'll have fun.
Me: I'm not feeling well. I really can't.
SCMA: Yeah, but, let's do something. You'll have a good time.
Me: I'm getting a restraining order.

Ok, I may not have said that last part, but I really wanted to.

Last year, a guy (Creepiest Man Alive) who worked at one of my schools walked into my office, picked up my cell phone, called himself with it, and walked out. After work that day he called me and asked me out (he now had my number after calling himself from my phone). This was bold and I was actually somewhat intrigued at this point. After the phone call I was no longer intrigued. I had not spoken to him much at work and didn't know much about him, least of all the fact that he was clinically insane. I wish I could recall the conversation we had in more detail- I think I may have blocked it out of my mind due to its incredibly traumatic nature- all I can remember is that nothing he said made much sense. I'm pretty sure I asked him at least 4 times during the 20 minute talk if he was high. I never answered his calls again (and trust me, there were many) and avoided him as best I could at work. I'm pretty sure he was eventually fired after one too many explosions with other staff.

I am only a week into the new school year and already I have Tech Guy hot on my heels. Tech Guy's interest may not be welcome, but he's clearly a prince among creeptastic men.

Tech Guy Email

Aaaaaand my life just continues to get more and more awkward. I received the following email today (on the dating website) from the tech guy at work:

No break computer!!

Ok, I guess that was uncalled for since you haven't broken anything else. . .yet. :-P

Make it stop. Please make it stop.