Tick, tick, tick

This past weekend, a friend and I went to Ukiah for a couple of days to visit some friends of his who own a vineyard. At one point during the weekend, we were sitting outside with his friends' family. As I sat playing with the couple's two small children, he said those three little words I hate so much: "TICK, TICK, TICK." I envisioned an anvil falling on his head. I thought about throwing a clock at him and seeing the minute hand break through and lodge into his eye socket. I fantasized about a mountain lion running out and disemboweling him. I was not pleased.

He must be teaming up with Nana.

A conversation with Nana

This past mother's day, I called my grandmother. The last time we had spoken was a few months earlier, at which time I was not dating anyone. This is how our conversation went:

Me: Hi, Nana! How are you? I'm just calling to wish you a happy mother's day!
Nana:Oh, it's so nice to hear from you honey! Are you married?
Me: No.
Nana: Are you engaged?
Me: No.
Nana: Well are you dating anyone seriously??
Me: Nope.
Nana: (deep sigh) At this rate I'm NEVER going to be a great grandmother!
Me: Well, have a great day, Nana. Talk to you soon.

Buns of Steal

I have recently gone on a few dates with a guy who is really nice, but who I am just not into. Below are a few texts I have gotten from him (typed verbatim, including his spelling) that may indicate why...

6.03.10: "All year no casual Fridays for me boo!! My ties do kick ass though so it's all good"

6.07.10: "I'm at the store exchanging the charging block for my mom's laptop that should be under warranty..I'm the geeksquad in the house, don't get me started, I could not be moving out any sooner"

6.07.10: "Time to lift and get those buns of steal"

6.08.10: "Had an ok day lifting"

6.09.10: "Im pretty stoked with my shirt tie combo today"

6.09.10: "Just got home and bout to lift"

6.09.10: "Produce is a very important topic for me"

6.10.10: "A night at the rocksberry...your thoughts?"

6.11.10: "I can't say cocktail without smiling"

6.11.10: "I'm thinking about wearing the white pants I got at Express. I've really been wanting to wear them" (To which I replied: "You cannot wear white pants unless you are Miami Vice or are getting married on the beach." He did not wear the white pants.)

6.13.10: "It's awesome! Hotter than balls but fun work"

6.14.10: "Secretary at my middle school sent a staff email about a Wennie Roast tomorrow for lunch...i promised after 30 no more saying wennie"

I think 3 dates may be enough...

Cheese Out

I received another unexpected card from a student today.

Yesterday, a 5th grader who I had assessed earlier in the year came into the main office. I gave him a hug and congratulated him on his impending graduation (he will be moving onto middle school next year). There was another student in the office who I didn't know. Someone pointed out to me that the other student was also graduating. I congratulated and hugged her as well. She didn't know me and looked slightly terrified- I can be a bit overwhelming!

Today I got the card in my school mailbox. It said:

"Dear R.,
You're a really nice person and it was really nice meeting you!
-Student"

I could see that she had written and then erased another message. I could still read what had been written. The note originally read:

"You have really nice teeth. Stay strong and thank you for hugging me today. Cheese out!"

Definitely a keeper.

Likes and Dislikes

Things that make me want to kick a puppy or otherwise turn me off:
- one-ply toilet paper
- traffic
- closed mindedness
- bad communicators
- frequent use of "lol"
- use of "kewl" ever
- hypocrisy
- smokers
- being called hun or babe (although honey and baby don't bother me)
- the missing 'r' button on my laptop
- constantly cleaning cat hair off of every surface in my apartment
- constantly having a layer of cat hair on every item of clothing I own
- nonstop negativity
- nonstop positivity
- asking me out on a first date via text
- going dutch on the first few dates
- too much tongue
- too little tongue (although this is preferable to the alternative)
- Prop 8
- not knowing the difference between your and you're, two, to and too, and their, there and they're
- long hair on men
- overly hairy men
- men who shave their entire bodies (unless they are athletes)
- sour cream
- olives
- men who act like idiots and then say they hate drama- if you don't want drama stop being a complete moron/asshole
- people already in the hot tub when I get there
- people who come into the hot tub when I'm already in it
- getting sunburned
- when my inhaler is clogged
- ordering Indian food medium spicy and getting it mild
- ordering Indian food medium spicy and getting it hot
- file cabinets that fall on me
- people who take the bible literally and don't think for themselves
- people who have a fit if you write 'god' instead of 'God'
- snoring
- having to wear a mask and be hooked up to a breathing machine when I sleep
- uvulopalatopharangynoplasty
- flakey people
- Dane Cook as an actor
- clocks that tick loud enough that I can hear them ticking
- biological clocks
- my grandmother profanely discussing sex
- getting my oil changed
- rolling my jeep
- temperatures below 64 degrees or above 86 degrees

Things that I heart:
- the secretary at the elementary school where I work
- parents and teachers who promptly complete the paperwork I ask them to fill out on their children/students
- men who open my car door
- happy hour
- cupcakes
- honesty
- stick figure drawings
- sporks
- mindfulness
- the cold side of the pillow
- good morning/good night texts
- when the weather outside is weather
- when you shut your mouth when you're talking to me
- when you get the reference
- games like Taboo, Scattegories, Texas Hold'em, and Just the Tip
- motorcycles
- New York
- San Diego
- outdoorsy people
- karaoke when not taken seriously
- shopping with Laura
- Gray and Little Bubba
- hiking
- someecards.com
- getting a massage
- rollercoasters
- Dane Cook as a comedian
- Mitch Hedberg
- Business Time/Flight of the Conchords
- psychological thrillers
- running
- daylight saving time
- dancing
- camping
- country concerts
- traveling
- tailgating
- sour candy
- sarcasm
- Christmas morning at Amber's house
- praise for a job well done or for my effort
- affection
- Penney's blog
- postcards from friends who go on vacation
- when my dad comes to visit
- the sun
- the ocean
- use of the terms "I heart that," "fml," "obvi," "that's what she said," and "your mom"
- Sandy's sister
- my blackberry
- coming to work and finding tons of food in the teacher's lounge
- 2-3 year olds
- having summers off

What I do when I'm doing what I do

No one ever seems to understand what I do for work. I have to re-explain it to my parents a minimum of 3 times per year. The other day, one of my best friends (who I talk to on a daily basis) told me she always thought I was a teacher. When I meet new people and tell them I'm a psychologist for a school district, they always respond with "oh, so you're a counselor." No, I am not a counselor. Counselors change kids' classes and advise kids about college/plans for the future. Also, their degree takes half as much time as a mine did.

The vast majority of my time is spent assessing kids to determine eligibility for special education. My assessments include parent, teacher, and child interviews, direct testing (e.g., IQ testing, testing of processing skills such as memory, language, and attention, and mental health evaluation) and observations. When my assessment is complete I write a psycho-educational evaluation report. I diagnose learning disabilities, ADHD, autism spectrum disorders, emotional disturbances, and a number of other disabilities. Once diagnosed, I work with a team to address the social and academic ramifications of these disabilities in an effort to create a plan that will help support these students and aid them in experiencing success. Currently I am serving 3 elementary schools, although I have also done preschool and high school in the past. I have not done middle school. Middle school kids are jerks.

Other job functions I have: consulting with parents, teachers and other school staff on various issues; attending meetings (student success team meetings, individual education plan meetings, mental health committee meetings, staff meetings, etc.); counseling (I know I just said I'm not a counselor, but I do provide some counseling); corresponding with outside agencies; attending trainings; providing trainings; supervising school psych interns; and trying to make sure everything anyone ever does is both legal and ethical.

I need a nap just thinking about this...

Why I do what I do

It's the last week of school right now and I have a zillion psycho-educational reports to write for the zillion meetings I have this week. As I sat in my office calmly losing my mind and wondering if anything I was doing would actually have a positive impact on anyone...anyone at all...ever...a 2nd grade student I had assessed earlier in the year walks in with something in her hand. What she gives me is a small, hand-painted card filled with some of the loveliest words I have ever seen. The card read:

Dear R.,
Thank you for helping me. You help me remember math better and help keep me focused. You are always nice to everyone at school especially me! You are very pretty and fantastic.

Love,
(Student)

When I'm done weeping I think I'll be able to crank the rest of those reports out now...

I carried a watermelon

So I've talked a bit about some of the quirky and/or idiotic things that guys I've dated have said and done. Now I'll focus the spotlight on myself.

One evening, during my freshman year in college, I was sitting in my dorm's lounge with my best friend Erin. An attractive fraternity guy came in and handed us a flier for a party. There was a line on the flier that said "Parties that Kick Ass." Not wanting to waste a perfect opportunity to impress a hot guy with my wit, I yelled after him as he walked out the door "You kick ass!". I have great social skills, what can I say? From that point on, this became known to the girls in my dorms as my "I carried a watermelon" moment. (Please rent Dirty Dancing if you do not get the reference)

A few months ago I went out with Peter. This was the best first date of my life. Immediately after returning home from the date with Peter, I did what all savvy (and slightly off-their-rocker) women do these days- I cyberstalked the shit out of this guy. And what did I find? I found Peter's wedding website. Now I knew he was divorced, so this was not an uncovered secret. It was just a little awkward for me to be looking at my future husband's first wedding. The bride looked just lovely and the ceremony was held outdoors in a stunning location. How could our wedding ever compare? I was quite concerned. I shared the wedding website with 20 of my closest friends, coworkers, and the custodian at my office. A few days later we arranged to go on our second date. He suggested brunch and I suggested a walk along the water afterward. His response to my suggestion: "A stroll along the water afterward sounds lovely." "Stroll"? "Lovely"? He wasn't British, so I assumed he must be gay. I consulted the very gayest of all my gay friends, Rik, and he flamed (no pun intended) my fears. We went on our brunch/stroll date and I did not hear from him again. Yup, definitely gay.

Tim's rap

So people who know Tim have been asking about Tim's rap. Amazingly enough I still have it after all these years.

Here it is (reproduced exactly as he wrote it):

R., my number one honey
worth more than money
fly, smart AND funny
sunny and bright all day and all night
she's more than just ight
izat right? thas right
Strawberry hair beautiful straight OR curly
I've tried the rest & she's the best damn girly
in Sactown, probly even cali
shes the cute redhead cheerleadin @ the rallies
for JFK, she says I'm gay
for wearing gold bracelets but thats okay
I still lover to peices
she sweeter than Reeses
24-7 My love never ceases
Jesus, she teases/ me constantly
Fate must've brought her to me from NYC
Destiny- could it be? I see No doubt
She's the best friend Plus I could Not
do with out
R., I love you!

Ass-Ma

Now that we've covered the majors, let's talk about some minors...

There was the guy I met on the internet (I forget his name) who, on our first date, seemed quite nice and normal until I excused myself to use the restroom and he promptly began making pee noises ("pshhhhhhh"). This was our first and last date.

Tristan stuck his finger down my throat to help me vomit when I drank too much.

Grant left me outside his apartment to die when I drank too much and collapsed outside on the ground. (I promise I'm not an alcoholic- drinking stories just seem to make good stories).

Michael (not first kiss or fiance Michael, this is a different Michael) liked to frequently tell me his fantasy was to have sex with me on a Bowflex.

John asked me "Do you wash your hair with rainbows?" because he thought my hair smelled really good. This was not a pick-up line, he was serious.

Dave told me I should be sponsored by Plush because my skin was so soft. Also not a pick-up line. A little more on Dave: Dave shaved his entire body and collected pez dispensers. He had a giant pez bunny that he freaked out if I touched and had pez dispensers lining his bedroom walls. For a time, I really liked this guy. There's no accounting for taste.

Charles asked me if I used an inhaler cause I had "ass-ma." He also told me that "he was no weatherman", but I "would be getting more than a few inches tonight." Charles also asked me if my daddy was a chicken farmer, cause I "sure knew how to raise some cock." These WERE pick-up lines. They worked.

Kevin constantly would start sentences and then decide not to tell me what he was thinking of saying. Kevin also often sent me emails informing me that he had written me an email but decided not to send it.

I would also like to include a list of some of the possessions I have acquired from the men I have dated. Some of these things are gifts and some were just left with me.
-Sparkly pink bowling ball with my name on it (gift)
-Computer (gift)
-Vacuum (left)
-A billion sweatshirts (left) -->I often gift these to my father
-Blow-up mattress (left)
-Taboo (traded for Scattegories)
-Big red salad bowl filled with Easter candy (gift)

Michael and Madalyn

So I have decided to start a blog, clearly. I will be writing about the occurrences at the elementary school where I work, the bits of wisdom imparted on me by my quirky yet brilliant friends and blunt family...and, most often, I will probably be writing about my roller-coaster of a love life. That said, I will start by telling you about the "major players" in my life so far...

At age 13, Michael J was my first kiss. We've kept in touch off and on over the years and I still think I may marry him one day.

At age 15, Tim was my first love. Tim lived next door to me. Tim wrote a rap about me. What's not to love.

At age 19, I lost my virginity to Neil . Neil lived across the hall from me in the dorms (apparently I have a thing for neighbors). When I first met Neil I thought he was gorgeous, but likely gay. I guess he proved me wrong.

At age 21, I met Michael M. Michael and I were soon engaged. We bought a condo together, named the children we were going to have (Michael and Madalyn), and had sex about 20 times in 5 years. I was with Michael until I was 25. Michael changed my life for the better in immeasurable ways. Being with Michael was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Breaking up with Michael was the second best thing that has ever happened to me. I will always love him, although we were never right for each other.

At age 25, I met Jeremiah. Jeremiah was my rebound relationship. Jeremiah and I had sex 20 times in 5 days. Jeremiah was a great guy and he deserves a very honorable mention.

At age 27, I began dating Mackenan. Mackenan was another great guy who wasn't right for me. He also deserves an honorable mention. I LOVED Mack's family. They were smart and funny and kind and supportive and incredibly down to earth. They get the wish-you-were-my-future-inlaws award.