It Just Got Sexy

For the last month I have been dating an electrical engineer. While he really can be quite charming, sometimes I'm a little caught off guard by the things he says. Here are a few examples:

"It just got sexy."
(After I lit candles)

"Pi"
(When asked if he had a lucky/favorite number)

"Are you ready, gorgeous, to kneel down in front of me?"
(After offering me a back massage)

"I missed you quite a bit actually. Roughly as much as Justin Bieber will miss his girl voice in a year or two."
(When asked if he missed me while I was in Italy for 2 weeks)

"Don't tease me about the market - a man just needs to do some local, organic, free-trade, free-range, vegan, carbon-negative nectarine shopping once in a while."
(After being gently mocked for loving the farmer's market)

Ok,so really I'm not at all caught off guard because I'm always desperately waiting (with a pen somewhere nearby) for men to drop these beauties so I can share them with you. More to come I'm sure.

How to Paddle

I went white water rafting today. While rafting, I had the following exchange with our guide:

Me: So is it more effective to skim the top of the water with the paddle or put it completely into the water?
Guide: You know that game guys sometimes like to play called 'Just the Tip'?
Me: I love that game.
Guide: Well when you're rafting you don't want to play that game. You want to put it ALL. THE WAY. IN.
Me: I love you.

For the rest of the day every time I paddled I felt slightly to moderately horny.

Tick Tick Tick- Redux

Earlier today I was at a BBQ. At one point I was talking with a few women about babies and, my all time favorite topic, biological clocks. One of the women had twin 6-month-old boys and was discussing how she wanted to have another child soon, but her husband wanted to wait several years. She was 31 and felt her clock was ticking so she wanted to get going sooner rather than later. I shared my concerns about my own ticking time bomb. One of the other women (also 31), who apparently pegged me for being in my mid 20's, then said to me: "Don't worry. I have some friends who are like THIRTY and don't even have a BOYFRIEND, so you're fine." As I simultaneously breathed fire and gave her the cold stare of death, I replied: "Yeah. I'm 30. And I don't have a boyfriend." She giggled and, somehow thinking this would make it better, let me know that when she and her husband went to the doctor to discuss family planning the doctor told her that a woman didn't need to worry about fertility problems and other issues until she was 35. So I have 5 more good years.

Please. Oh please. Just stop talking before I punch you in your fallopian tube.

I'm a Good Listener

Earlier tonight I went on a first date with a guy. After previously proclaiming that one of his talents was being a good listener and not talking all about himself on dates, he proceeded to talk all about himself for the majority of the evening. Even better, at least 75% of what he shared was information about exes and bad dates that he had been on. He told me about his ex-fiance who he had been with for 5 years who, 2 months before the wedding, he decided he was not ready to marry and so instead of calling off the wedding he "became an alcoholic" and began staying out all night until she finally called it off. He told me about the girl who offered other guys her phone number while they were on a date. He told me about the girl who asked to have sex with him in her car after their first date- shortly before she informed him that she had herpes. He told me about the girl who asked to give him a blowjob after their first date- shortly before her parents arrived. Although riveted by the conversation, I quickly felt this may not be the best match for me. So I said good night and went home- shortly after having sex with him in my car.

Just kidding.

You Should Marry Him

The other night I was out with a friend and I saw a guy I thought was attractive. This is the conversation that followed...

Me: He's pretty cute, but I don't like the long hair. Do you think it would be rude if I asked him to cut it for me?
Friend: No. Just ask him to do it on the second date. He is really cute. I think you should marry him.
Me: Don't say things to me like "You should marry him." You're feeding the frenzy.
Friend: Ok. I will rephrase it...I think you should date him a reasonable amount of time and then get engaged.
Me: Thanks, that's better.

Crazy doesn't grow in a vacuum my friends.

Break Up Blog

So I guess I need to report that Guy Friend and I broke up. Although this is sad news for Guy Friend and I, it is clearly amazing news for the blog as it means you'll all have something to read again (because I know you've all stopped reading completely since I stopped blogging). Guy Friend and I seem to have had a pretty fairytale breakup (caring, mutual, non-hostile, healthy) and are on excellent terms. In many, many ways this was the best relationship I've ever had and also the best breakup.

I'm not ready to start dating again, but have already been asked out by several guys who either heard that we broke up or just cosmically have good ego-stroking timing. Below is the list of excuses I've used in my head for why I don't want to go out with these guys:

1. He's too young
2. He lives too far away
3. He doesn't get my sense of humor
4. He drinks too much
5. He hunts turkeys
6. He's a faster runner than I am
7. He's a Republican
8. He hunts deer
9. He's a slower runner than I am
10. I don't want to cross the Bay Bridge

Some excuses may be more legit than others. Leave me alone, I'll get back in the game when I'm ready!

Are You Ready For Your Close-Up?

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in my office and the new tech guy in the district came in and asked me if I would be willing to be in some pictures showing off some of the newer equipment that the district had acquired. The pictures would be placed on a display board. I agreed, assuming that I had been asked because I was available/not in the middle of teaching a class. New Tech Guy then asked me what time would work for me the following day. I then realized I had been handpicked for this project. Out of all of the staff in all of the world, I had been chosen to model fancy projectors. We set up a time and the next afternoon I sat in my office watching the clock and hoping he would forget. I was happy to help if I was chosen just because I was there (just being there really is a great talent of mine), but some thought had to have gone into choosing me for this great honor, and that made me uncomfortable. Right on schedule, New Tech Guy shows up at my office door and asks me if I'm "ready for my close-up." Oh boy. While taking the pictures, New Tech Guy informs me that (1)I look much more like an elementary school teacher than the elementary school teacher whose room we are using, (2) I could be a hand model, and (3) I look really great and natural in my pictures. After considering a career change, I went back to my office and locked my door. I'm 75% sure that the tech department now has a life size cut-out of me in their office.

Abnormal Psych

Work has been incredibly stressful lately. Last night I was sleeping at my boyfriend's house and I woke up at 1am. After agonizing about stuff at work for about an hour and not being to fall back asleep, I decided that it was time that he didn't sleep either and I started talking to him. After a few minutes he got up, grabbed a flashlight and started digging in his closet for something. He eventually found what he was looking for and got back in bed.

(What was he looking for, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.)

He was looking for his abnormal psychology book from college. Once back in bed, he pulls the blankets back up over both of us, puts his arm around me, opens up the book to the section about anxiety, and proceeds to read the highlighted portions to me. It was completely absurd (or maybe completely appropriate- same difference) and I couldn't help but laugh. I immediately relaxed and, after a little reading and a particularly good 'discussion' about Glee, I fell happily back to sleep.

Brilliant boyfriend.