The Ill Fated Set Up

A couple of months ago I was lamenting my lack of a love life to a friend and her husband (shocking that I would be complaining about such a thing, I know) and my friend's husband informed me that he worked with someone who he thought would be fantastic for me and had just been waiting for the right time to introduce him to me.  Time went by and I heard nothing further on the topic.  This past weekend, I was hanging out again with my friend and her husband and I inquired about this lovely fellow I was to be set up with.  And what did I find out, you ask?

"Sorry, R...it turns out the guy I wanted to set you up with is currently dating a man."

FML.  That just happened.

I Like Unicorns

About a month ago I went on a date with a guy who brought me a present.

I had recently broken up with my boyfriend, the engineer, and had decided to give good old internet dating another try. I was feeling a bit down after my breakup and was approaching dating as more of a 'something-to-do' than a 'way-to-get-a-ring.' A guy sent me an email and I responded with one long run-on sentence about my cats, their fleas and my devastation over said fleas. (I was really trying to impress, clearly.) Apparently he was quite amused by my candor and responded by telling me that discussing my fleas was far more interesting than the usual "This is what I do for work, this is what I like to drink, I like unicorns." I let him know I LOVED unicorns. So, of course, he asked me out.

We met at a very nice, fairly expensive restaurant and, immediately after being seated, he quickly informed me that he had something for me. Was it flowers? Chocolates? Not quite. It was a My Little Pony unicorn. He slapped it right down on our nice tablecloth in all it's magical glory. It was fabulous, this unicorn. It even came with its own comb. In preparation for our date, he informed me, he had gone to 3 different toy stores looking for this magnificent bounty.

It was a good date, but despite the unicorn there wasn't much magic. Too bad, I like a man who doesn't show up for a date empty-handed.

Reflecting on the past

This morning I was recalling the time that I spent 3 months dating a homeless meth addict who was deathly allergic to my cats. This actually happened. For 3 months. I really have nowhere to go with this story, just reflecting on what my 20's looked like.

It Just Got Sexy

For the last month I have been dating an electrical engineer. While he really can be quite charming, sometimes I'm a little caught off guard by the things he says. Here are a few examples:

"It just got sexy."
(After I lit candles)

"Pi"
(When asked if he had a lucky/favorite number)

"Are you ready, gorgeous, to kneel down in front of me?"
(After offering me a back massage)

"I missed you quite a bit actually. Roughly as much as Justin Bieber will miss his girl voice in a year or two."
(When asked if he missed me while I was in Italy for 2 weeks)

"Don't tease me about the market - a man just needs to do some local, organic, free-trade, free-range, vegan, carbon-negative nectarine shopping once in a while."
(After being gently mocked for loving the farmer's market)

Ok,so really I'm not at all caught off guard because I'm always desperately waiting (with a pen somewhere nearby) for men to drop these beauties so I can share them with you. More to come I'm sure.

How to Paddle

I went white water rafting today. While rafting, I had the following exchange with our guide:

Me: So is it more effective to skim the top of the water with the paddle or put it completely into the water?
Guide: You know that game guys sometimes like to play called 'Just the Tip'?
Me: I love that game.
Guide: Well when you're rafting you don't want to play that game. You want to put it ALL. THE WAY. IN.
Me: I love you.

For the rest of the day every time I paddled I felt slightly to moderately horny.

Tick Tick Tick- Redux

Earlier today I was at a BBQ. At one point I was talking with a few women about babies and, my all time favorite topic, biological clocks. One of the women had twin 6-month-old boys and was discussing how she wanted to have another child soon, but her husband wanted to wait several years. She was 31 and felt her clock was ticking so she wanted to get going sooner rather than later. I shared my concerns about my own ticking time bomb. One of the other women (also 31), who apparently pegged me for being in my mid 20's, then said to me: "Don't worry. I have some friends who are like THIRTY and don't even have a BOYFRIEND, so you're fine." As I simultaneously breathed fire and gave her the cold stare of death, I replied: "Yeah. I'm 30. And I don't have a boyfriend." She giggled and, somehow thinking this would make it better, let me know that when she and her husband went to the doctor to discuss family planning the doctor told her that a woman didn't need to worry about fertility problems and other issues until she was 35. So I have 5 more good years.

Please. Oh please. Just stop talking before I punch you in your fallopian tube.

I'm a Good Listener

Earlier tonight I went on a first date with a guy. After previously proclaiming that one of his talents was being a good listener and not talking all about himself on dates, he proceeded to talk all about himself for the majority of the evening. Even better, at least 75% of what he shared was information about exes and bad dates that he had been on. He told me about his ex-fiance who he had been with for 5 years who, 2 months before the wedding, he decided he was not ready to marry and so instead of calling off the wedding he "became an alcoholic" and began staying out all night until she finally called it off. He told me about the girl who offered other guys her phone number while they were on a date. He told me about the girl who asked to have sex with him in her car after their first date- shortly before she informed him that she had herpes. He told me about the girl who asked to give him a blowjob after their first date- shortly before her parents arrived. Although riveted by the conversation, I quickly felt this may not be the best match for me. So I said good night and went home- shortly after having sex with him in my car.

Just kidding.

You Should Marry Him

The other night I was out with a friend and I saw a guy I thought was attractive. This is the conversation that followed...

Me: He's pretty cute, but I don't like the long hair. Do you think it would be rude if I asked him to cut it for me?
Friend: No. Just ask him to do it on the second date. He is really cute. I think you should marry him.
Me: Don't say things to me like "You should marry him." You're feeding the frenzy.
Friend: Ok. I will rephrase it...I think you should date him a reasonable amount of time and then get engaged.
Me: Thanks, that's better.

Crazy doesn't grow in a vacuum my friends.

Break Up Blog

So I guess I need to report that Guy Friend and I broke up. Although this is sad news for Guy Friend and I, it is clearly amazing news for the blog as it means you'll all have something to read again (because I know you've all stopped reading completely since I stopped blogging). Guy Friend and I seem to have had a pretty fairytale breakup (caring, mutual, non-hostile, healthy) and are on excellent terms. In many, many ways this was the best relationship I've ever had and also the best breakup.

I'm not ready to start dating again, but have already been asked out by several guys who either heard that we broke up or just cosmically have good ego-stroking timing. Below is the list of excuses I've used in my head for why I don't want to go out with these guys:

1. He's too young
2. He lives too far away
3. He doesn't get my sense of humor
4. He drinks too much
5. He hunts turkeys
6. He's a faster runner than I am
7. He's a Republican
8. He hunts deer
9. He's a slower runner than I am
10. I don't want to cross the Bay Bridge

Some excuses may be more legit than others. Leave me alone, I'll get back in the game when I'm ready!

Are You Ready For Your Close-Up?

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in my office and the new tech guy in the district came in and asked me if I would be willing to be in some pictures showing off some of the newer equipment that the district had acquired. The pictures would be placed on a display board. I agreed, assuming that I had been asked because I was available/not in the middle of teaching a class. New Tech Guy then asked me what time would work for me the following day. I then realized I had been handpicked for this project. Out of all of the staff in all of the world, I had been chosen to model fancy projectors. We set up a time and the next afternoon I sat in my office watching the clock and hoping he would forget. I was happy to help if I was chosen just because I was there (just being there really is a great talent of mine), but some thought had to have gone into choosing me for this great honor, and that made me uncomfortable. Right on schedule, New Tech Guy shows up at my office door and asks me if I'm "ready for my close-up." Oh boy. While taking the pictures, New Tech Guy informs me that (1)I look much more like an elementary school teacher than the elementary school teacher whose room we are using, (2) I could be a hand model, and (3) I look really great and natural in my pictures. After considering a career change, I went back to my office and locked my door. I'm 75% sure that the tech department now has a life size cut-out of me in their office.

Abnormal Psych

Work has been incredibly stressful lately. Last night I was sleeping at my boyfriend's house and I woke up at 1am. After agonizing about stuff at work for about an hour and not being to fall back asleep, I decided that it was time that he didn't sleep either and I started talking to him. After a few minutes he got up, grabbed a flashlight and started digging in his closet for something. He eventually found what he was looking for and got back in bed.

(What was he looking for, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.)

He was looking for his abnormal psychology book from college. Once back in bed, he pulls the blankets back up over both of us, puts his arm around me, opens up the book to the section about anxiety, and proceeds to read the highlighted portions to me. It was completely absurd (or maybe completely appropriate- same difference) and I couldn't help but laugh. I immediately relaxed and, after a little reading and a particularly good 'discussion' about Glee, I fell happily back to sleep.

Brilliant boyfriend.

Romantic Comedy Date

The other day my boyfriend and I went to see a romantic comedy. After the movie, he asked me "Is it strange that I identified more with the girl's character than anyone else in the movie?".

He then proceeded to chop down a tree, wrestle a bear and open a really tightly sealed jar. He's super masculine, I swear.

Butterflies and Baby Unicorns

Guy Friend is now officially my boyfriend. Last weekend he sat me down and said "I have a question for you; don't freak out." Then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I quickly weighed the pros and cons of saying yes. If I say no, my blog will live a long and healthy life. If I say yes, I'll be in a relationship with pretty much the most awesome guy on earth. It was a tough decision, but I went with 'yes.'

I really want to blog and make snarky, sarcastic comments about the stupid shit my boyfriend does- sadly my boyfriend is freaking amazing and I feel like I have butterflies and baby unicorns following me around all day.

This blog is going straight to hell.

10 Reasons Why It Works

Guy Friend and I are now dating. It's going incredibly well.

Here are 10 reasons why it works:
1. I'm obsessed with his roommates
2. He's slightly insane
(He plays baseball. The other night we were discussing how baseball players are extremely superstitious and sometimes do strange things. I asked what he did and he explained to me how he used to kick and throw the baseball bats around to "wake them up" if the team wasn't playing well- because sleepy bats are not going to help you win a game)
3. He uses semicolons in text messages
4. He pays more attention to the things I tell him than anyone ever has in my life. I think he may remember more about my likes and dislikes than I do.
5. He makes incredibly awkward comments that I find hilarious and finds my awkward statements equally amusing.
6. He lights my menorah (this is not a euphemism)
7. He lights my menorah (this is a euphemism)
8. He runs with me and then rubs my back as I nearly vomit because I ran too fast
9. Despite being from California, he acts like he's from the east coast (i.e., he's masculine in all the right ways and doesn't act like a pussy)
10. He quotes Glee during sex

She Seems Like Kind of a Freak

A few weeks ago I went out dancing with some friends. I went with a guy friend (who I was kind of into) and a bunch of his friends and met some of my friends there. We all had a ton of fun and at the end of the night I went into Guy Friend's house to hang out with him and his friends for a bit before going home. It turned out that one of the guys lived in my apartment complex and he invited me to come over for some lasagna. While I was starving, I didn't think going over was a good idea for a number of reasons. For one, I didn't want to give Guy Friend the wrong idea in case he was into me. Also, this guy seemed to like me and I wasn't sure going to his house at 3am was the smartest move if I didn't want to get more than lasagna. I asked for a rain check and headed home. By the time I got home, however, my desire for Italian food far outweighed my common sense and I decided to head over. When I got there he randomly mentioned that he had been texting with Guy Friend on his drive home, but wouldn't tell me what they were talking about. Clearly the texting was about me- I know this because the world revolves around me (and because I could tell by the look on Lasagna Guy's face and the fact that he refused to tell me what they were talking about). Lasagna Guy has the same phone as me, so I know how to use it. A few minutes later I inconspicuously pick the phone up and pretend to be fiddling with it. Obviously, what I'm actually doing it reading the text exchange. I'm REALLY not a fan of invading people's privacy and I know what I did was lame, but I had to know what they said. I will now share with you what I expected the conversation to say and what it actually said.

What I expected:
Lasagna Guy: So what's up with you and R.? She seems super neat.
Guy Friend: Oh, R, is just dandy. I think she's keen. I don't really know what's going with us.
Lasagna Guy: Alright, mind if I ask her out?

Reality:
Lasagna Guy: Maybe we should have run a train.
Guy Friend: Haha, maybe.
Lasagna guy: She seems like kind of a freak.

Awesome. Well, that is what I get for being a snoop.

Blog that Bitch

So we've already covered that I wash my hair with rainbows and should be sponsored by Plush. Well, according to my coworker, I apparently smell amazing as well.

(*Disclaimer: I do not smell amazing)

-Text conversation with coworker-

Coworker: Someone on train smells like yummy R.
Me: What????
Coworker: Your perfume. Someone got on BART and they smelled like you.
Me: I do not wear perfume ever. No body spray. Soap on special occasions...
Coworker: Well Tuesdays and Fridays must be special cause you smell good! Haha. I would know it anywhere. Is this bordering on creepy?
Me: No.
Coworker: Whew! Blog that bitch!

Well, ok...

I Run to You

I'm a relatively sane person a good portion of the time. I am, however, prone to bouts of complete insanity. This descent from normal R. to bat-shit crazy R. can occur quite rapidly and without warning. This generally occurs in reference to the idea of marriage. Take today, for example...

I'm out running and "I Run to You" (Lady Antebellum song) comes on my IPod. At first, I think to myself "What an appropriate song to run to" . Half a millisecond later I think to myself "Maybe I'll meet a runner and we'll get married and at our wedding we'll have this great photo montage of us running set to this song" .

How could I possibly still be single with brilliant ideas like this?!

I'm a Runner

For most of my life I didn't run. I got out of running the track during gym class in high school because a) I thought running was boring and b) I couldn't breathe and nearly vomited up my own lung when I did try to run. Fast forward 10 years...I have a friend who loves to run and convinces me to give it a try. I do try- and one week later run my first 10k. One week after that I run another 10k. Then I get busy and running and I end our love affair. Fast forward one more year to present day...the love affair is back on and stronger than ever. I mean really hot and heavy. Fast runs, slow runs, intervals...THIS IS TRUE PASSION!! And this time the committment is there! I've been at it for about a month now and it's going great. I plan to run my first half marathon in SF in Febuary, then hopefully train for a full.

Yoga and Sensory Deprivation

I met a guy a few months ago while out West Coast Swing dancing who clearly was interested in me but just recently pulled the trigger and asked me out. The following is a portion of the conversation we had about what to do on our date...

Me: Do you like sushi?
WCS Guy: Yes, love it. I was also thinking of inviting you to come to my yoga class with me. (*side note- I think men who do yoga are pussies. I have many guy friends who do yoga, so I'm sure I'm going to get in trouble for saying that)
Me: I don't like yoga.
WCS Guy: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. I once attempted yoga on a beach in Mexico at sunset with a hot Argentinian yoga instructor. I hated it. If I hated it then chances are yoga is not my thing.
WCS Guy: Well ok then. Well, um, how about after dinner we go to this place that has sensory deprivation tanks?
Me: Oh dear...

Seriously? He might as well have just asked me to Fed-Ex him my box.

R. Goes to a Singles' Event

A few weeks ago I was hanging out with some guys from work and they invited me to join them at a Jewish singles' event the following night. I immediately called a single girlfriend of mine and invited her. Game on.

The following day I consulted with approximately 10 people about which dress I should wear. I primped every part of my body that could be primped, and possibly a few parts that couldn't be but somehow now were. I was ready.

At 5:30, my friend and I went out to dinner. I had a glass of wine.

At 7:00, we arrived at my coworkers' house and I had a beer.

At 8:00, we got on the train to head into the city. While on the train I shared (*read: I drank two-thirds of) a large bottle of rum and coke with my friends and some random guy we met on the train who told me he was in love with me and repeatedly referred to me as "Freckles."

At 8:45 we grabbed a cab to travel the approximately 3 blocks from the train station to the club. Who knew we were so close?

By 9:00 we were in the door, drink tickets in hand. (For $10 you were given entrance to the club and handed a multitude of drink tickets.)

By 9:05 I had my first Jack and Coke, the drink of champions (*read: alcoholics), in my hand. I believe all the drink tickets were used up by 10.

(Side note- the "Jewish singles' event" turned out to just be a dance club filled with Jews. It could, however, have been a dance club filled with penguins for all I would have noticed by this point in the night)

I ended up getting so drunk that I completely forgot to find a husband. I spent the night just hanging out with my friends (*read- more than likely just inappropriately hitting on my coworker), dancing, losing my purse, and finding my purse.

Despite losing focus of my goal (and my purse), I had a fantastic time.