Break Up Blog

So I guess I need to report that Guy Friend and I broke up. Although this is sad news for Guy Friend and I, it is clearly amazing news for the blog as it means you'll all have something to read again (because I know you've all stopped reading completely since I stopped blogging). Guy Friend and I seem to have had a pretty fairytale breakup (caring, mutual, non-hostile, healthy) and are on excellent terms. In many, many ways this was the best relationship I've ever had and also the best breakup.

I'm not ready to start dating again, but have already been asked out by several guys who either heard that we broke up or just cosmically have good ego-stroking timing. Below is the list of excuses I've used in my head for why I don't want to go out with these guys:

1. He's too young
2. He lives too far away
3. He doesn't get my sense of humor
4. He drinks too much
5. He hunts turkeys
6. He's a faster runner than I am
7. He's a Republican
8. He hunts deer
9. He's a slower runner than I am
10. I don't want to cross the Bay Bridge

Some excuses may be more legit than others. Leave me alone, I'll get back in the game when I'm ready!

Butterflies and Baby Unicorns

Guy Friend is now officially my boyfriend. Last weekend he sat me down and said "I have a question for you; don't freak out." Then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I quickly weighed the pros and cons of saying yes. If I say no, my blog will live a long and healthy life. If I say yes, I'll be in a relationship with pretty much the most awesome guy on earth. It was a tough decision, but I went with 'yes.'

I really want to blog and make snarky, sarcastic comments about the stupid shit my boyfriend does- sadly my boyfriend is freaking amazing and I feel like I have butterflies and baby unicorns following me around all day.

This blog is going straight to hell.

10 Reasons Why It Works

Guy Friend and I are now dating. It's going incredibly well.

Here are 10 reasons why it works:
1. I'm obsessed with his roommates
2. He's slightly insane
(He plays baseball. The other night we were discussing how baseball players are extremely superstitious and sometimes do strange things. I asked what he did and he explained to me how he used to kick and throw the baseball bats around to "wake them up" if the team wasn't playing well- because sleepy bats are not going to help you win a game)
3. He uses semicolons in text messages
4. He pays more attention to the things I tell him than anyone ever has in my life. I think he may remember more about my likes and dislikes than I do.
5. He makes incredibly awkward comments that I find hilarious and finds my awkward statements equally amusing.
6. He lights my menorah (this is not a euphemism)
7. He lights my menorah (this is a euphemism)
8. He runs with me and then rubs my back as I nearly vomit because I ran too fast
9. Despite being from California, he acts like he's from the east coast (i.e., he's masculine in all the right ways and doesn't act like a pussy)
10. He quotes Glee during sex

She Seems Like Kind of a Freak

A few weeks ago I went out dancing with some friends. I went with a guy friend (who I was kind of into) and a bunch of his friends and met some of my friends there. We all had a ton of fun and at the end of the night I went into Guy Friend's house to hang out with him and his friends for a bit before going home. It turned out that one of the guys lived in my apartment complex and he invited me to come over for some lasagna. While I was starving, I didn't think going over was a good idea for a number of reasons. For one, I didn't want to give Guy Friend the wrong idea in case he was into me. Also, this guy seemed to like me and I wasn't sure going to his house at 3am was the smartest move if I didn't want to get more than lasagna. I asked for a rain check and headed home. By the time I got home, however, my desire for Italian food far outweighed my common sense and I decided to head over. When I got there he randomly mentioned that he had been texting with Guy Friend on his drive home, but wouldn't tell me what they were talking about. Clearly the texting was about me- I know this because the world revolves around me (and because I could tell by the look on Lasagna Guy's face and the fact that he refused to tell me what they were talking about). Lasagna Guy has the same phone as me, so I know how to use it. A few minutes later I inconspicuously pick the phone up and pretend to be fiddling with it. Obviously, what I'm actually doing it reading the text exchange. I'm REALLY not a fan of invading people's privacy and I know what I did was lame, but I had to know what they said. I will now share with you what I expected the conversation to say and what it actually said.

What I expected:
Lasagna Guy: So what's up with you and R.? She seems super neat.
Guy Friend: Oh, R, is just dandy. I think she's keen. I don't really know what's going with us.
Lasagna Guy: Alright, mind if I ask her out?

Reality:
Lasagna Guy: Maybe we should have run a train.
Guy Friend: Haha, maybe.
Lasagna guy: She seems like kind of a freak.

Awesome. Well, that is what I get for being a snoop.